I stood up at the end and spoke my bitter truth
This has gone from being an inconvenient truth to a very painful one. I had an emotional meltdown at the weekend just considering what it would be like not to be able to see my beautiful family in Australia. What if I couldn’t fly there again? What if I got arrested during a protest and was subsequently denied a visa? What if our government continues to do nothing to avert the climate crisis and we see social collapse as a result of catastrophic climate events and deliberate acts of ecocide? I said that I need to grow some ‘lady balls’ to step up to the challenge. Right now it’s just hard enough to stop crying.
Get ready to save your life.
One way or another, this is going to hurt. A lot.
Fear is like a little maggot, eating you from the inside out while you have a sense that something is wrong, something is festering. You feel permanently constricted, wanting to inhale deeply and expand across your chest, shoulders and belly but unable to, instead sipping shallow, barely there breaths whilst feeling that, at some point, something rotten is going to burst forth.
I’d been feeling like this for a while, not really being able to locate the source of my discomfort and disorientation, when I was confronted with the truth during Roger Hallam’s bleak talk at Campfire Convention Campout. His was a call to action to save our very lives. To get on the front lines of the battle against climate change and deliberate acts of ecocide. To get ourselves arrested.
In an instant I felt hot energy surge around my body! Why not? I’m a brave soul. I don’t have a career to worry about. I believe in this stuff. Almost simultaneously I felt sick with fear and the deep wound lurking beneath the surface burst open and the maggoty contents spilled forth. Get arrested, get denied a visa to enter Australia and never see my son, my grandson and my daughter-in-law again? Are you fucking crazy? No way. Never. I’d rather poke a hot needle in my eye.
My physical body reacted badly- I felt my blood pressure elevate ( I’ve been hospitalised with this before so, believe me, I know what this feels like), I felt the contents of my stomach start to rise in my gorge, I began to sweat. I was staring at Roger, willing him to give me a get out of jail free card, a don’t -worry-Nadia-you-can-still-fly-to-Australia pass. But of course no such thing was forthcoming. Just a request, a gentle challenge, to stand up, turn up and get arrested.
I stood up at the end and spoke my bitter truth- I don’t know that I’m brave enough to do that right now. I want to be. I will work towards being that person. Right now it’s as much as I can do to stop crying. But now that the wound is open at least I can breathe. Deeply.